Mark E Smith: 'I'd put the Queen in charge for a bit'

Hi, Mark. There have been 65 Fall members to date (1). What's the entrance policy? Revolving door? Dead man's shoes? Lottery ticket?

[Cryptically] Times change, you know?

You famously said: "If it's me and your granny on bongos, it's the Fall." I reckon my granny would have made an excellent bongo player. Should she have applied?

Definitely not! I've learned that.

Aw. Would it help if the Fall split up and got back together like bands do these days, or wouldn't anyone notice?

That would be very sad. One of the most annoying things I get asked is: "I didn't know you've reformed." That fucking pisses me off.

You turned down the opportunity to appear on I'm A Celebrity in 2004 when John Lydon walked off. Would you have handled all those kangaroo testicles and witchetty grubs?

I could have handled it then. I couldn't handle it now. I was tempted because I was absolutely broke. Thing is, you cross that line, you never go back. People look at you different.

You offered one of your sisters to Frank Skinner as a gift when he interviewed you for The Culture Show on your 50th birthday. Does the offer still stand?

No, cos they're all married. That was just a joke. That's the thing with Frank, he's not funny, is he? He edited that interview to make me look like I was being nice. I wasn't. I was insulting him all the way through. They spliced it. I'd go: "You're a fucking idiot, aren't you?" He'd go: "I really love you, Mark."

Have you got any other unlikely fans (2)?

Half the cast of Emmerdale turned up at a gig in Leeds recently. They're big fucking fans, apparently. And that boxer, the Asian guy. [Amir] Khan.

You play Jesus in an episode of BBC's Ideal. Are you the Messiah?

It's amazing how many people got into it, potheads and all. They'd stop me in the street and go, "You're the one who played God, aren't you?"

Are you a god?

I don't think so, no.

Sam Riley plays the younger you in 2002's 24 Hour Party People and went on to play Ian Curtis in 2007's Transmission. How can the same person portray you and Curtis?

It's those film people, like that bloke who played Johnny Cash. It was fucking ridiculous, wasn't it? They may as well have got the bloke who plays Batman.

Who should play you in the Hollywood version of your life? Brad Pitt? George Clooney?

That's the tragedy of it, that would be good, wouldn't it? Get in the guy out of Fight Club. He'd make a great me.

People seemed annoyed when you read the football scores on BBC's Score On Saturday and made up the teams ...

Those were the proper names. When I was a kid, I used to know all the proper team names. I was sick of Match of the Day going: "Man City v Arsenal," "Crew v Bolton." It just fucking dumbs our nation of football. When I said "Crewe Alexander" and "Southampton Town", that's their proper name. Everyone was going, "It's weird that." Even the fucking sports blokes.

What changes would you make if you were England manager?

I'd only have three Premiership players and the rest from down the lower leagues. They'd want to play for England, rather than this lot who don't particularly seem to want to. Why don't they have the bleeding defender from Tranmere or summat from the top of the bleeding third division? They should have the backline of Blackpool, they wouldn't let anybody through because they're used to it, aren't they? They're not bloody superstar defenders like Rio Ferdinand but they're used to stopping superior opposition. Have you noticed the way other countries pick their teams? That's what they do. They always have Leverkusen's (3) full back who hates everyone who's richer than him. It's a good idea, that.

What changes would you make if you were prime minister?

I wouldn't take it up.

Erm, what if it was all you can eat/drink/smoke?

I'd probably put the Queen in charge for a bit.

The 30th Fall album is due. How long before you hang up your microphone in favour of a bus pass, slippers and those pink wafer biscuits only old people seem to like (4)?

I'm not thinking of it at the moment because the group's really shit hot. We're just coming into fruition. Then again, I don't want to be like Brian Wilson (5). I'm already starting to sit on a chair.

Footnotes

(1) BBC Radio 6's Marc Riley was fired from the Fall on his wedding day. Back to article
(2) Matt Groening, Henry Rollins, Rod Stewart, Jeremy Vine and Vic Reeves are all fans. Back to article
(3) German Bundesliga team Bayer Leverkusen – Philipp Wollscheid plays centre back. Back to article
(4) Smith famously left some false teeth in Badly Drawn Boy Damon Gough's taxi after mistaking him for an actual taxi and Gough driving him home anyway. Back to article
(5) During encores, Wilson turns the lights out but doesn't leave the stage. Back to article