truth. beauty. freedom. love.

Confusion. I’m so confused, confused with myself, my thoughts, people, life… I just want to lay my head down on a table and blank out. And let me tell you no matter how many times you hit your head, get a quizzical look, or that little lightbulb above your head flickers, it doesn’t help. What…seriously…what makes this such an everyday dependable problem. I have to laugh and think how silly I’m being so my cheeks stop my eyes from tearing up and cause me to fall apart completely. I’m sure everyone has walked into their room and planked onto their bed. That’s what I just did, I literally, not figuratively, just did the trust exercise backwards with my bed. It didn’t work the way I wanted it to, I wanted the thoughts to defy the laws of motion and stay where they were, instead they followed my head right onto my jerk of a bed.

Why do I let myself think about this constantly. It’s bad, its the same old thing. I just go from one to another its not normal…or is it? I don’t think for my age it is. I mean I can’t just stay locked in my room, I need social interaction but because of it I just rev that little thought engine up again and can’t get it, you, that or maybe how out of MY HEAD.

Ok let’s try and think of something else…nope not that…nope not that either.its just a huge circle of one thing leading to the other. Well I guess I’m stuck with it till something gives me a moment’s pause, a distraction until I realize I’m not thinking about it and then go right back to being…confused.

Meaning. The fact that no one is going to know what these two symbols mean, to me feels… freeing yet safe. I’m finding my voice and in the process I’m finding myself. I will say, the things that these stand for have been huge factors in that process. And yes it is a process, it takes time no matter what anyone says. I’m taking my steps, I’m taking them as many and as little at a time as I want. 

These things could be considered, in some part, the lily pads that are helping me on my way to discovering who I am. I don't fully understand myself why I have encountered them but I fully intend to do what I can to not waste the chance. Complete opposites in many ways but that is the beautiful thing about it, they create a corresponding yin and yang to the different corners of me. I could take the good and make it enjoyable and energetic, I could take the bad and stop the cycle. I may not have what others do but I have intuition to play these rolls out until the dice are cracked and crumbling. I don't want to be the wall that stands in my own way. I don't want to be the barrier that makes my life any less enjoyable then it should be. I am as young as I will ever be again and I want to take these days as a gift not a right.

What these stand for is past present and future, my past… my present… and hopefully my future.

I couldn't be who I am today, right at this moment without them. The little glimpses of a smile, the moments that I will treasure, the times I hope to forgive but not forget. And most of all the option to let go, or to hold on for as long as I can. These things may leave me or they may be around for a very long time but until that happens I wont know. I welcome each moment, I become something I never knew I was when these moments appear. I love what these symbols stand for if maybe not entirely for the heart but maybe for the soul.These things make me think, they make me assume, they make me cry, and they make me laugh. One day without one of these things is like a week. But that makes me grateful more so for the moments they are there.

I will hold these things in my heart for the rest of my life and beyond. They may not be my whole life but they are a part of it and to me that means more then being my whole world. Because when your whole world revolves around one thing, you become oblivious and blind to the events and people and the life going on around you. And maybe in a slow moving kind of way they are also helping me be even more concrete in that belief. Don’t underestimate the abilities of thought and realization a moment to yourself can clarify some of the stormiest conundrums. A moment of looking inside helped me understand all of what I have just explained. Once again these things have helped me by hindering me, by my weakness I make myself stronger. These things have shown me that. They now and always will… remain in my heart.

Many Sides. Every person on this Earth including I have many sides. We should not be categorized as this or that when I am what I am. I love shopping, makeup, glitter and I dislike being dirty or sweating. But that doesn’t mean I don’t play in the dirt, ride four wheelers or throw a ball as far as some guys. I wear pink and paint my nails and watch a football game. But I’ve come to the realization that those guys who beg and would die for a girl who will dress sexy and also dress to go camping in jeans and an old t-shirt, only mean girls who are size 12 and under, if that. Unless you have the face of Marilyn Monroe. I may be stereotyping but when you have experienced this feeling you realize that even though I have all the qualities guys want, they don’t want me. I feel like you think its ok and that I don’t mind that you treat me like one of the guys. I am not one of the guys I am a woman, a woman who loves sports and also romance novels. A woman who could knock your socks off with a kiss or make you feel like you are all I need. I can do that if I had the chance.

I am going to try this theory my friend amazingly named for me called perception management. I am going to start putting the different parts of me out there and test the waters, I’m going to hold back at jumping at the chance to throw the football or join the boys group. I’m going to embrace the glitter, the girls group and the chats. I’m going to see if that does truly have anything to do with the way they treat me. I’m not going to be someone else, I’m not saying that I’m just going to give more time to the other parts of me, and play those out to see people’s reactions and maybe it will give me some clarity.

But you never know this could be a ridiculous idea and not change anything but at this point I’m willing to try anything. So here goes nothing.

Masks. We all have a wide variety, a stock of faces we wear. The one I’ve worn the most and feel like it’s wearing out is the ‘fake’ smile. I would like to be seen. I would like to be noticed. But it’s hard to be when your pretending to be something that your not most of the time. However when I feel like I’m invincible whether I’m the real me or not, it breaks pieces of me away until I crumble into an oblivion of being contentment with something I am not. I do things that I think will make me engaging, things that will draw your attention. I am either to far one way or to far the other. I find the middle perfection only later when I am alone and have realized what I’ve done. Attention is not what I crave but acknowledgement. Those small moments when I catch you in your thoughts of me are what I have lived for.

I thought for a small period of time I finally had someone to be real with, but you change. You change each time we meet. One day your open and the next your as closed and as far away as the places I’ve never been. Your masks almost seem to proceed mine. You tend to wear more then one in a single time. I want to fix you, I want to be the person you need but I have to understand your blocking happiness, you say you want it but you don’t take the opportunity that’s right in front of you. It’s fine if I’m not the one but no one ever finds the real one when their looking past them to see the ones they want to be the real one. If I had a mask that made you love me what would it be? Could it be that it would just be the real me,  no mask, no ‘fake’ smiles. Only the smiles you bring when you trust me enough to take off your masks and tell me things that bring joy to my life that make me burst from my soul with laughter, and the tears you would bring me from the over powering feeling of holding your hand. One of the things I’ve longed for for a long time, the touch that holds ,ore then skin but holds a promise to protect and to love. I don’t know if the real one is you, but I’m not looking past you, I’m looking at you and its worth a try, but it takes your your eyes, and your attention to complete this effort. You can only try for so long, pushing that mask away to show the real you until it snaps back in your face like a big branch you’ve pushed out of your way to take the path less traveled.