Niecy Nash on queerness, marriage and joy: ‘I’m having the time of my life’

Niecy Nash-Betts is unmistakable. Her refreshing, raspy voice; her fabulous fashion; and now, her unquestionable queerness.

"When it comes to being a part of the queer community, I just got here," the actress ("The Rookie: Feds," "Dahmer - Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story") said over a Zoom call in April, prepping for a photo shoot where she was stunning in a bright blue dress adorned with sparkles and feathers. "I'm a grown adult woman, but living this part of my life is still very brand new."

Nash, 53, surprised fans when she announced she married singer Jessica Betts, 43, in August 2020. Since then, it's been marital bliss on top of a blossoming career (she won a best supporting actress Critics Choice Award, in case you hadn't heard).

"I don't even know what I was doing over there with them straights," Nash said. "It wasn't no fun over there. I'm having the time of my life over here."

Nash chatted with USA TODAY about her career, her queerness and her outlook on life.

And she had a lot to say, so buckle up. 

"If anybody gleans anything from me – even if you don't like me, even if you think I'm a terrible person and I'm making terrible choices – what I do hope you can latch onto is that I run toward the freedom to do so. And whatever it is you believe in and whatever it is you feel like is right for you, run towards it with reckless abandon.”

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Question: I know you're getting ready for the photo shoot. What's your glam routine like?

Answer: My glam routine?! Well, first, I always start with what am I wearing. Because that's going to inform everything, you know what I mean? I'm a girl who feels like the hair adds to it, the makeup adds to it. And so once I know what's going on the body, then sometimes it's a group effort to figure out the hair and makeup.

You and I spoke a few years ago, shortly after you and Jessica got married. You told me that youcame into yourself, but you were careful to not use the phrase that you "came out." I'm wondering what your journey has been like since then as a newlywed and as a queer person.

I still feel like a newlywed, let's start there. This is my favorite marriage by far. The third time really is a charm.

My journey? I don't know if there's a big news flash as far as I'm concerned because I don't feel like anything about me has changed. I am the same person, just in a better relationship.

Has anyone in your life treated you any differently since you married Jessica?

Of course. All the choices you make in life, people who know you and people who don't know you, ironically, have an opinion about. But it's so weird that people have opinions about things that don't affect them one bit. How you want to identify, what your pronouns are, who you want to marry, who you want to date, all of those things really have no impact on anyone other than you and the person you're doing it with. But people have opinions. And some like it and some don't. I don't care either way.

You said at the Critics Choice Awards earlier this year that "to everybody who doubted this Black woman and told me what I couldn't do, I want to humbly say 'in your face.' " Were you thinking of any moments specifically?

I've been at this acting thing for a long time. Early on, you have people saying, “Oh I understand you want to do drama, but that's not your lane.” “Cute face, but I think you need to lose weight.” Or “we're going to send a different client out because we don't feel like it's right for you”; things like that, where you just were so devastated because the people who were supposed to be representing you really didn't get you. So I was thinking about all of the times and I wanted them to know, I didn't forget.

You mentioned in a Hollywood Reporter roundtable that you knew you arrived in Hollywood when Diahann Carroll recognized you. Are there any other moments that stick out where you feel like you made it, like you were really famous?

When the critics make you their choice, that's pretty much letting you know that you have solidified your place. It never gets old when people that I know are household names and recognize you.

But I've been in situations where I've scanned the channels and found myself at least five times on TV … It's like, oh, I'm on Lifetime and ("Stolen by My Mother: The Kamiyah Mobley Story") is on. Oh, "Reno 911!" is on Roku? Oh, let me just go on over here to Netflix. Oh wait, I did do "When They See Us," didn't I? Oh, is that "Never Have I Ever?" I've just been in spaces where boom, it kind of hits you all at once. You're driving down the street, and you look up and you see a billboard with your whole face on it that you weren't looking for. It just was there. 

Are there certain fan interactions that have stood out to you over the years, especially since you married Jessica? I'm wondering if you've had LGBTQ fans reach out to you and thank you, or what that's been like?

We get that all the time. "Oh my gosh, can I take a picture with both of you?" Or they will DM us and say thank you for how you love, or you inspired me. But the one thing about love is that it is an equalizer. It doesn't matter who, how you love, whatever you identify as, but it's the one thing that, when it's in its truest form, it inspires. We get so much love from the people who call themselves "the straights." We get a lot of straight people saying that we are their couple goals. So we get it all the way around. And I just think it's because what people are responding to is an authenticity in our love. It's not sensational. It's not fake. It's not forced. It just is.

Growing up, did you have any inkling that you might be interested in women, or this is something that came up later in your life?

Hell no. Absolutely not. Even now, I just don't see anyone else. Man or woman or whatever. I just don't see anyone else but her. My eyes don't work for other people.

Do you remember hearing about LGBTQ people in your life growing up?

I remember my mom when I was younger had a friend. And he was the first person that we knew that contracted AIDS, when it first came out, and nobody knew (the risks). “If they breathe on you, you might get it.” And I remember he was ostracized by people, and my mom was the only person who went over there. She was like, “Well, I'm going to put on a mask, I'm going to take my gloves, but I'm going to go clean his apartment, make sure he got food and do this, and do that.” She went, and I just remember thinking, again, about kindness. About how you don't stop loving and you don't stop availing yourself because somebody does something you don't understand. That just always stuck with me.

It sounds like that really informed your view of everybody, no matter who they are.

I'm an equal-opportunity person. I'm not going to have nothing against you if you haven't done anything wrong to me. Because your own life choices are just that: your own. I don't care that much to tell somebody that what they're doing is right or wrong. The whole point about life is to be happy.

Who are some of your queer role models?

I really, really admire RuPaul, forging a way and creating a lane and taking up space at a time when it was so unpopular. And standing flat-footed in his stilettos to say, “I'm going to carve out this niche and this lane.” I admire that. All of the Emmy wins and awards for creating programming for queer people. I'm lucky to be able to call him a friend.

It's interesting you said that, given all the sentiment around the country with drag show bans. Why are you so vocal on social media about your politics?

Those are things that affect people. Where you lay, what you wear; all the other little things don't matter. But when you start talking about banning things, just because you don't like it, I'm like, “No, I am going to speak up on that. And I am going to say something about that.” Because I just think that we have to have our priorities in order. Children are dying every day by guns, and you're worrying about who wants to dress up in a dress and do a show? That is something that is not going to affect you. If you don't like it, don't go to the show.

What are your thoughts on some of the biggest challenges facing the Black LGBTQ community today? And how can people be allies?

It starts with how you are as a community toward one another. If there is prejudice and divisiveness within the community, you don't start outside the community, you start and say, we have to do better. We have to love each other better.

I was watching another interview where you mentioned how (singer) Lola Falana was an early influence of yours. I'm wondering what about her in particular, stuck out to you as something special, and is she someone that you still think about?

I was watching television with my grandmother. I was probably about 5. And she came across the screen. The most gorgeous Black woman I had ever seen on TV in my little 5 years of living. I'd seen Black people before, but they didn't look like that. And I said, 'Grandmama, who is that?' She said, 'Baby, that's Lola Falana.' And I just knew in that moment that God stamped on the canvas of my imagination what my destiny would be. I looked at my grandmother and I said, 'I want to be Black and fabulous and on TV.' And I stopped answering to my name. If you didn't call me Lola, then you didn't want to talk to me. It was just that visual.

When I was filming "When They See Us" for my dear friend, Ava DuVernay, Blair Underwood knew that I had an obsession with Lola Falana. And one day he handed me a phone. He said, "Somebody wants to say hi to you." (gasps) It was LOLA! I cried like a baby.

What was that conversation like?

Between sobs and snot running out of my nose, I was able to eke out that "I love you, that you inspired me, that you changed my life."

She was very gracious, as I would've expected. I had my moment in the sun. Now if I get to see her face-to-face, forget about it. I'm going to make sure they have an ambulance standing by because I'm going to need to be resuscitated for sure.

On "The Rookie: Feds," your wife has guest-starred as your love interest. I'm wondering if you have an interest in playing more queer characters throughout your career

I love the fact that (my character Simone Clark is) an equal opportunity lover. I love the fact that she dates for the vibe and not the gender. I've never played anyone like that before. I would have played that role, even if I wasn't married to Jessica because I had not seen that woman on mainstream television in a series. So I would have played her regardless. I'm happy that she exists in the world of television because everyone wants to see themselves. Everyone wants to see themselves in the world in that way. You want to turn on the TV and find somebody who you identify with.

What's the secret to keeping the spark alive in your relationship?

Expensive champagne and skinny dipping, followed by consistent therapy.

I know you play a therapist on "Never Have I Ever." Have you learned tips from playing that role?

Hell no. I learned tips from going to therapy. Shout out to Dr. Winter. No, no, no, I gotta get in there. I have to go and sit and unpack the trauma that we all show up with somewhere.

If anything, me going to therapy informed my character, not the other way around.

What are some things that you've learned about the LGBTQ community recently that you feel like you didn't know before?

I didn't know how obsessed they were as a whole with fashion. I was going somewhere. (My 23-year-old daughter Dia La Ren Nash) was like, "you can't wear that," and I said "why?" She said, "You're a part of the community now." I said, "So what?" She said, "the gays are vicious."

I found that there is something so celebratory and joyous about gathering. Even if it's just for Taco Tuesday, or it's a big party. The joy of the community is infectious. 

I understand a different level of a side eye now. I had only ever got a side-eye in certain situations because I was Black and/or a woman. Now it's you Black, you a woman and you queer, wait a minute. It's a different kind of prejudice.

Are there any favorite queer spaces or spots that you've hung out at that you really have enjoyed?

I just got here in COVID, like 2020. I just showed up. I've never even been to a gay bar. I don't even know where they are. I guess maybe they become gay after I walk in the door. I don't know.

I'm looking forward to the experience. My better half and I were just talking about giving an event for Pride. I'm very, very excited about the world being back open and being able to celebrate another part of my life.

I'm excited for you to go to a gay bar and have that experience.

I don't even know what it's all about, but I want to know.

Look for USA TODAY's Pride Month special at newsstands near you. 

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