For the sake of argument, let’s say that the original “Zoolander,” a 2001 Ben Stiller comedy based on a character he introduced in a 1996 short film, was 50 percent nonsense and 50 percent inspired nonsense, however often reminiscent of “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.” Well, this new Stiller-directed “Zoolander 2,” a film no one I know was begging for, except maybe Stiller’s agents, is about 90 percent nonsense and 10 percent inspired nonsense, and is even more of a derivative riff on writer-star Mike Myers’ Bond-spoofing “Powers” films.
On a weekend when “Deadpool,” a fiercely irreverent superhero movie, mocks films with pointless cameos, “Zoolander 2” obliges by having about 50 of them, including Ariana Grande and Katy Perry, but alas no Donald Trump this time. Instead we get haute couture designers (and Anna Wintour, or was that Johnny Depp in a wig and glasses?).
In this new installment, someone is killing beautiful pop stars, beginning with Justin Bieber, who claims to be protecting the “Chosen One” before expiring in Rome, but not before he posts a selfie on Instagram with Zoolander’s trademark “Blue Steel” look on his face.
Meanwhile, Derek Zoolander (Stiller) has become a “hermit?crab,” residing in “extreme northern New Jersey,” where he has grown a Pepe Le Pew beard and head of hair and gets his mail from Billy Zane. Zoolander’s lover, Matilda (Stiller’s wife Christine Taylor), was killed when his “reading institute” collapsed and she was crushed beneath a giant book. He has lost custody of their son, Derek Jr. (a very good Cyrus Arnold).
Zoolander and his old rival Hansel (Owen Wilson) stage a comeback and eventually team up with Interpol Fashion Police agent Valentina Valencia (Penelope Cruz) to get to the bottom of the murders and later recapture clownish fashion lunatic Jacobim Mugatu (Will Ferrell) after he escapes from a fashion prison, where one convict is incarcerated for wearing a Members Only jacket.
An unrecognizable Kristen Wiig is shockingly unfunny as human gargoyle Alexanya Atoz. Before going to Rome, Hansel must separate from his “orgy” sex partners, all of whom are pregnant, including a midget, Susan Sarandon and Kiefer Sutherland. Also unfunny is Benedict Cumberbatch (enough, already) as a gender obscure model named All.
The plot will also involve the Fountain of Youth, a Garden of Eden inhabited by Adam, Eve and Steve, a tiny flip phone, Mugatu as Willy-Wonka and a cameo by Sting, perhaps standing in for the late David Bowie, who appeared in the original film. We also get bathhouse jokes and way too much Kyle Mooney. A subplot asks if Zoolander can love a “plus-size” son. I’m afraid I just didn’t care.
(“Zoolander 2” contains profanity, lewd language, comic violence and not enough laughs.)
